Wednesday, May 5, 2010

At least once a year, perhaps once a fashion season, a trend emerges which conjures a strange foreboding in my heart. I stare in disbelief, I gasp, I turn helplessly to the nearest friend/coworker for reassurance. Sometimes, the offending trend simply retreats after a few coughs and sputters, other times it persists long enough to become a part of the current fashion canon, and I assimilate or even embrace it.
Ponchos seem to crop up every year or so like some sort of antibiotic-resistant fashion virus. If you're smart, you steer clear and wait for the newest strain to die. Crocs and Uggs also manage to be extremely offensive to most, but are somehow considered in some circles to be cool. The only explanation I can conceive is that in both cases said footwear are purported to be comfortable, and are also very noticeable. Noticeable fashion, good or bad, draws attention. And while the stylish tactfully choose to remain silent, keeping their criticism to themselves, the deluded and misguided portion of society who wrongfully approve of said footwear (likely because they lack the ability to distinguish boldness that is innovative and awesome from that which is awful and ridiculous) are unrestrained in their praise. So the Ugg/Croc wearer only hears praise, never the cacophony of silent regret.
ugh. I could go on...and on.
Look, I get that fashion has an element of whimsy, and should NOT take itself too seriously. But there are boundaries.
In the spirit of not coming of as completely self-righteous, I admit that I do often change my tune about trends that initially make me balk. I was completely confused when skinny jeans started to appear, and as a member of the shipment crew for a pretty major clothing retailer at the time, my coworkers and I mocked them openly. Then a friend of mine (tall, skinny, blonde, size zero) got a pair of grey ones and I had to admit, she pulled them off. But it wasn't until six months later when I got an amazing pair of tan suede lace-up (fake) fur-lined wedge boots for Christmas and I needed a skinnies to wear under them that I bought some. And I never looked back. And styled correctly, I'm even starting to warm up to the idea of the romper. But please, never in denim. And jumpers need not apply.
So where am I going with this? Well, I am, to state it mildly, chagrined to discover that the weird comeback of the season--clogs. High-heeled ones specifically, but it's incarnations are many. I myself went through a couple of clog phases, and a vintage wooden-soled pair I wore in middle school were kinda kick butt. But my comfy brown suede slipper looking things only remain in my closet for late-night walks, and the flannelish grey ones with the black soles were given away long ago. I regret my attachment to them, though they had a certain comfy-cute quality that's not altogether inappropriate for casual wear, and I was in college and still re-finding my style at the time. So clogs...sometimes they work. But couture clogs? I'm sorry, but I'm kinda throwing up in my mouth a little:

Now there's something to be said about the muleish, narrow-toed, sleek black things Mary-Kate (right?) is wearing, but I don't think they really qualify as clogs and shouldn't be included in the image. The rest of these just make me sad. I think it's the stud detailing that really befuddles me. Most of the chatter I've seen about the "new clogs" I've seen so for has been trepidation, followed by sheepish approval. I, however, do not fall into this category. I hate them. Yuck. Their clunkiness and styling reminds me too much of Uggs and Crocs. No sophistication, and the whimsy seems misguided and misplaced. The foot is a beautiful and feminine part of the the body (for females, that is). If you have good feet, show them off. If you have bad feet, cover the toes and heels if necessary, but do it sleekly with flattering flats or boots. Don't encase them in stiff molded material shaped in such a way to make anyone's foot look wide and stumpy.
Clogs may seem retro and kind of fun now, but believe me, you will soon regret them. I'm begging you all, don't fall victim to this trend.

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